I just recently (yesterday, to be precise) had a major emotional burst. The details of how and why shall remain unknow, as it is definitely intimate stuff we're talking about, but the whole process was most interesting to observe from the inside.
Bear with me, I'm certainy not new to feelings, but this one specific time it struck me just how it all progressed (very quickly, thankfully) and how I was able, in the end, to look at it all with a sort of a clinical, detached eye.
So here's the thing.
I go to check my email in the morning and find a message from, let's say, a Special Person. What I read in the message instantly triggers a deep emotional reaction of the Bad Kind. The Bad Kind is that which knots your stomach in a tight ball and makes you cry fountain-like, sobbing incoherent words like "Why me!" and "Oh, cruel world!". So there I was, having a not so good morning, feeling a couple things very strongly.
That is stage one: an emotion has been triggered, and you just can't see an inch past it. You're all about it. The emotion is true, and there's no escape from it. The world as you knew it is going to end.
It went on for I think 30-40 minutes (I love having timestamps to check), during which I let a lot out (mostly fluids). Necessary? Yes. Reasonable? Not at all. But emotions are not that reasonable, anyway.
Then stage two starts, in which Doubt softly knocks on your tormented mind's door and asks you to let it in, just for a brief moment. Are you sure you read that message correctly? Don't you think there's a little piece of information missing? Maybe, just maybe, things are not exactly as you think they are.
No! Don't try to convince me, all is lost. I don't want to cling to false hopes and expectations anymore, the verdict is out, and it's damn clear!
Look, I'm not trying to fool you or anything, just listen to me: ask a couple questions, and if you're right I'll just leave.
And so this is your first step out of the bubble of self-commiseration, a hand you timidly stretch back to the real world and to real people. I got back on my computer and asked the clarifying question. Doubt was satisfied, and we sat down to drink an Ingwertee together.
Now, my email did not receive an answer, mind you. I was already scheduled to see the Special Person that same evening, and I was very worried I would be out of myself, cry like a baby, or otherwise unable to hold my shit together in front of him. I did consider cancelling, but Doubt frowned at me. So I didn't. I've been told just recently that showing your emotions is OK, and that it actually helps others to understand you, so I thought "What the heck. I'll show whatever I have to show tonight, be it tears or not".
In stage three I pretty much got bored of self-pity. Sure, I still thought there was no hope left, but at least I went back to functioning like a normal being: talking to friends, venting a bit, doing my homework, tend to other business than my own sadness. I was certainly not smiling, but at least I was operating again.
I went to school, and found contact with my classmates very relieving: I found myself laughing at their jokes harder than usual and having an overall good time. And this is where the clinical eye first woke up. It looked like I was feeling everything stronger than usual, so maybe there was something deeper at work. And I started inquiring within myself, weeding through the emotions I had felt, giving them a name. Until I got to the one underlying them all, so I could understand and make sense of what had happened to me.
This was most relieving. But I still needed a little clarification from the Special Person!
So in stage four I'm actually myself again, just with reddened eyes and the pang of anxiety in my chest, impatient to know from the mouth of the Special Person just what the message was actually all about. I got a text from him which made me laugh (in class, duh!) and confirmed the appointment for the night.
So we meet after school, and go have dinner together. Talking about what happened to me is not even a problem, I'm definitely cool and collected now. He asks the classical "How are you?" question, but tonight the answer is most interesting. So I tell him everything. What had happened, the feelings I felt, and as I narrated the thing to him I was kind of proud of how clear it was to me. How quickly I managed to make sense of it, and to understand what was at work when I had that strong, negative emotional reaction. And how relaxed I felt in telling the whole story to the very person who inadvertently triggered the events (there wasn't the slightest hint of passive-aggressive blame in my speech, if you're wondering. Damn, I'm good!).
The message turned out to be much less dramatic than it seemed to me, of course.
So, what were those emotions and where did they come from?
Details are still going to be spared, but generally speaking: the two emotions were frustration and fear. The place they were coming from is called Loneliness.
Can this be useful to anybody out there? Possibly.
Allow yourself the time to feel your emotions. But remember that Doubt is your friend, so listen to it too.
Know that you may learn something from your emotions, and that something may be a very relevant need of yours, so do dissect your feelings, especially the violent ones. If you manage to see them as through somebody else's eyes, you're doing it right. If you keep defaulting to pure emotions, it will just take you a little longer. But you can get there.
And always, always use external references: speak with somebody about how you feel, make all the cross checks possible and be like a little scientist. Emotions are falsifiable too. :)
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